I don’t remember most days; I’m just doing the same thing over and over, so everything just blurs together. The farther I go back, I realize I don’t remember much of my childhood. Of course, I have an idea of the things I did,

I did my schoolwork.

I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I played with toys.

I watched TV.       

It's the small details I can't remember. I filled in the blanks with home videos and pictures. The last milestone I remember is my 8th birthday; the other birthdays combine or cease to exist. Everything went by so fast that I didn't have time to grab onto anything.

First, I was 14, then I was 16, and now I'm 19 turning 20, and I have nothing.

I live inside my head most days, staring at a screen and imagining what it's like to have a heartbeat, thinking about how things could have been if my life were different, if the world were different, if I were different. I am rotting in here, trapped in this empty body, stuck in this place hated by people who don’t even know they hate me yet. I’m trying so hard to turn things around, but I think it's too late.

  Please don't let me die like this.

  I want to live.

  I am going to dig myself out of the dirt before I suffocate. 

  I don’t want to be alone anymore. 

  I’m going to grow, I’m going to change.

  I am going to live a life worth living. 

  I want to be loved for who I am, and remembered for who I was.

 It’s not too late, I still have time.